Nine Inch Nails - Mr Self Destruct (lyrics)

FUBAR

This is since November, not counting what I was given(force fed) at the psych ward.  I'm pretty sure all of these are lethal and none of them are pleasant.

The ones in front in the bag and blister packs is Haldol, its particularly nasty, I imagine torturers and interrogators would love it, its pure evil.

The rest are zyprexa, seroquel, busiprone, lamotragine, benzotropine(given only so the haldol wouldn't kill me, no bullshit thats all that is for), paxil, paroxetine, and divalproex.  As for the hospital I was really cloudy in there but the ones I remember being given at least were thorazine(the chemical lobotomy) and of course the sedative triple cocktails(painful shots in the ass) which is ativan, benadryl and whatever the third toxin is.  I don't remember the names of the other but I know they had to pull me off of one fast and gave me something else in a hurry to reverse it, it had me drooling on myself and unable to speak which apparently would have progressed to something worse, I'm pretty sure my tongue was swelling up too which is a very bad sign since swelling can be indicative of an allergic reaction, if so my airway(trachea) may have been next along with dilation of blood vessels, that could have killed me.

A delema

Medications aren't helping. They don't work and often make me feel worse.  People around me want me medicated but refuse to hear me out.  I get bitched at if I don't take them but I've said a million times I will gladly take something that's truly effective(like smoke weed...) but I will not continue to take something once I figure out I am unresponsive to it.  The dilemma is I have only a few options, none good.  I can lie, say i am taking the meds and that they are helping just to shut people up but that gets no one anywhere although it can prevent arguments.  Or whether people like it or not I can TELL THE TRUTH.  Its a fucked up situation when honesty gets grief but I'm at the point where I want help and just being compliant won't get me anywhere.  I think they are starting to run out of medication options though, they have tried a LOT, multiple drugs from multiple drug classes- all trash.  I'll be fair, I can't speak for other people so when someone says meds can help they aren't wrong but that doesn't mean they can help everyone.  Sure they might help some people but there are a percentage of people that just aren't responsive to medications. I think that might be me.

Now I am trying to get disability(its kind of being forced on me) and it sounds like they want people to be on some kind of medication. WHAT TE FUCK? I might be so fucked up that medications don't help me but its sounding like they want me on something, anything I guess, it might be a legal requirement.  This is wrong, its like they don't care if they meds help.  I hope I am wrong.  I am currently not taking anything but I keep seeing a nurse practitioner who keeps trying new things, at least she listens.  An option is benzos but I need to see a doctor.  The problem with benzos is to be blunt they just get you high, so they are a doctor approved intoxicant.  The only difference between taking something like Xanax or smoking is weed is lethality, addiction potential and legal status- well that and even soft benzos are WAY heavier and more impairing than even really strong weed-for example I have woken up with a concussion(don't ask me how) after taking clonopin(a benzo) but have NEVER blacked out on weed, so again, what the fuck... But the trend is doctors will tell you weed is bad and benzos are just fine...  Oh ya, you can't OD on weed either but benzos are still better, right...

I guess thats it for now, all I can do is keep trying, and of course pray to every god I can think of that medical cannabis is legalized here SOON or that I can escape this hell hole of a state.  As Bill Hicks(RIP) said "Its just a ride" in regards to life so fuck it, whatever happens happens, I'm doing all i can.